Fighting What Is

If I Create My Reality, Why Do I Create Struggle When I Want Flow?
Except for any noted source material, content copyright, Neva. J. Howell, all rights reserved


I know better.

I’ve known better almost as long as I’ve been alive
but I still fight what is, based on what I want it to be.

I’m dealing with that this morning (and dealt with it
yesterday) because I can’t get my camcorder to upload
to the internet.

I am excited with an idea for creating a video blog but
I can’t seem to find a way to do it.

I have the first two segments taped but they are on
mini-dv. Apparently, I have to redo them on what’s
called a “memory stick” to upload. I got the memory
stick but it doesn’t work…

Obviously, it’s not time for this to happen but I WANT
it to happen. So, I have kept frustrating myself by
taking the memory stick out and reinserting it, turning
different knobs on the camcorder, etc.

When I look at the origin of the way I created this
moment in time, several events come to consciousness
as important in the creation.

The camcorder I am attempting to use is an old one.
It was a gift. I’m aware, at the time it was given to me,
that I felt it was “too much”. That one moment of feeling
unworthy to receive, I believe, set the stage for all the
frustration I’m feeling now.

The other factor in having created obstacles to the uploading
of this video blog is my own insecurity about how it will be
received and perceived. I intend it to be an unvarnished and
very human look into the life of a peri-menopausal woman who
is evaluating her life and decisions, and dealing with all that
age brings….wrinkles, weight, time urgency, etc.

Am I ready to give that gift of journey to those who might
benefit from me walking through it or am I still too attached
to keeping those struggles private?

Anyway, I will not be starting the video blog today so I might
as well deal with that, and glean some meaning from having
created this frustration today.

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