If I Create My Reality, Why Do I Create Struggle When I Want Flow?
by Neva J. Howell unless otherwise noted
I know better
I’ve known better than to resist what is. I’ve known that almost as long as I’ve been alive but I still fight what is, based on what I want it to be.
I’m dealing with that this morning (and dealt with it yesterday) because I can’t get my camcorder to upload to the internet. I am excited with an idea for creating a video blog but I can’t seem to find a way to do it.
I have the first two segments taped but they are on mini-dv. Apparently, I have to redo them on what’s called a “memory stick” to upload. I got the memory stick but it doesn’t work…
Obviously, it’s not time for this to happen but I WANT it to happen. So, I have kept frustrating myself by taking the memory stick out and reinserting it, turning different knobs on the camcorder, etc.
When I look at the origin of the way I created this moment in time, several events come to consciousness as important in the creation.
The camcorder I am attempting to use is an old one. It was a gift. I’m aware, at the time it was given to me, that I felt it was “too much”. That one moment of feeling unworthy to receive, I believe, set the stage for all the frustration I’m feeling now.
The other factor in having created obstacles to the uploading of this video blog is my own insecurity about how it will be received and perceived. I intend it to be an unvarnished and very human look into the life of a peri-menopausal woman who is evaluating her life and decisions, and dealing with all that age brings….wrinkles, weight, time urgency, etc.
Am I ready to give that gift of journey to those who might benefit from me walking through it or am I still too attached to keeping those struggles private?
Anyway, I will not be starting the video blog today so I might as well deal with that, and glean some meaning from having created this frustration today.