A Faulty Spiritual Premise

A Faulty Spiritual Premise
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by Neva J. Howell unless otherwise noted

I see the window now, thanks God

To understand this post, please read all the doors closing first. It’s a few hours after my post now, and I have just had an epiphany. I’m 51 years old and just now realized that I’ve walked a lot of my spiritual path entertaining a faulty spiritual premise.

This premise goes something like this …. I am a spiritual seeker, continually striving toward a greater and stronger connection with God. I seek to be more aware, more loving, more peaceful and more compassionate as I grow as a spiritual being.

What’s wrong with that? I certainly heard it from enough pulpits in my youth, though couched in Christian language. I certainly read it in enough spiritual books and heard it, or some version of it, in enough spiritual lectures.

Today, walking up and down the long hall of my home (this is a form of Jappa for me, walking in a prayerful state) I suddenly saw something I’d never seen before. Almost all my past dreams, goals and personal aspirations could be traced by in origin to some belief in lack. I was lacking something and had to seek it out. I was missing something and had to find it. I was less than and had to be more.

The strongest mirror in my life for the past few years is a person who experiences more experiences in a 24-hour period than can be possible. Literally. She will tell me about a single day in her life and I end up wondering how in the world anyone can do that much in one day. This feeds her. She loves living this way. And it’s not just her. The world loves experience.

Granted, for many experience is just a distraction from deeper feelings. My friend is awake, aware and spiritually connected to her experiences in a way that the world at large does not seem to be connected. Still, it seems to be about experiencing … about doing.

Unconsciously, I picked that mantra up early in life and I’ve chanted it for most of my life. It has only been the past few years that I’ve noticed that it doesn’t work for me now, and that maybe, it never did work.

What caused me to see this is that I’ve also, in the past few years, realized every big dream I ever had. There are no dreams left. When I realized this, I felt there was something wrong with me. I started immediately trying to find the new dream, the new direction for my life. To have a directionless life felt terrifying to me, and still does. Yet, my Spirit is whispering to me that it is ok to be without dreams, without goals, without definable direction. Comfortable, no. OK, yes. I see the window now. Thanks God.

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