What Am I Doing With This Life?

What am I doing with this life?

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Massive Fields of Poppies
Content, copyright, Neva J. Howell

I woke this morning feeling some of the old “what am I doing with my life” energy. However, if I look back on a life where I spent a great deal of time feeling soooo responsible for using this precious life well, I see that my over-attention to that didn’t bring any more of a sense of “doing the right thing” than my current mode of living is doing.

That being true, I see no wisdom in going back to that way of walking my path. It didn’t really ease me or I AM, or infuse a consistent joy into my being.

That way of living also did not allow the consistent sharing of the highest vibration of love and joy, though I intermittently transmitted both.

What am I doing with this life? I seem to be moving on to some new way of living, sharing and receiving. I’m not at all sure what that life looks like.

Life used to look like something so massively complex and unendingly unfolding that I could not “see” the proper, correct, appropriate choice to make. Therein was the soul issue, I suppose….trying to see the whole rather than experience the moment.

Life appeared to bloom unendingly into massive fields of poppies, as far as my eyes could see and well beyond, always beyond, forever further than what my eyes and being could take in or choose an experience from.

Rather than attempting to see an entire field of poppies, I am focusing on one stamen or the vein in one petal. If all the great teachers are right, the whole is in each part so it feels more gentle to the I AM that is right now than striving to understand the entire field.

I finally wrote the person with whom I first spoke about the seasonal staff position at Omega, letting her know once more that I want to come back, if the right position opens up.

She seemed quite open to my coming back, which was a relief, and even asked which positions I felt would be the best match for my gifts and way of being. I still feel very close to that Omega experience and miss so much about it that I hope it comes back around for me.

I joined a WWOOF site (organic farms) because that also interests me and have heard back from one already. I continue to search for spiritual retreats, ashrams, intentional community, etc. as an avenue of sharing, enjoying life at a new level and experiencing community.

I AM doing that with this life. It’s a good thing. I just need to remind myself of that when it looks like I should be doing more or differently.

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