Hitting my own brick wall

Brick Walls of Consciousness



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by N J Howell unless otherwise noted

Self-Limiting Behaviors

When I used to call myself a healer, I often worked with those who felt they were sabotaging their own best efforts toward a different kind of life. It certainly looked that way to me, noticing how they responded to situations and reacted to people and events.

Of course, anything a healer sees in someone else they may also see in themselves. In fact, that’s a perk of being a healing facilitator. I saw long, long ago that I had patterns in place that could be termed “self-sabotage” programming.

For me, this mostly showed up in how I dealt with stress. There is stress in change and to create a different kind of life, change or shift must happen. When I would get closer to a big change, I would allow stress to stimulate a self-sabotaging act to keep me comfortable and within the life I had created before.

I’ve seen this pattern repeat for most of my 5+ decades on earth this time around. Often, a secondary pattern of beating myself up or raging against the universe or shutting down emotionally would push me even further back from the shift I consciously said I wanted.

This paradox of behavior has puzzled me for my entire life, not only in myself but in others.

To untangle the tangled intent, to be one-pointed in focus long enough to shift a reality … not easy for most of us. How much of what we say we want is what others want for us? How much of what we do is for others or to actually keep ourselves in the box we say we are determined to get out of?

How does our intent get tangled? I don’t have to look very far to see how early in life the intent we came in with gets … diluted, congested, redirected, tangled. None of us come in alone. We come into some kind of family unit. Most of us don’t remember other lives so, for us, the family unit is reality, normality, the way things are.

For many of us, the family unit is dysfunctional. We pick up patterns of behavior and belief systems like dogs pick up fleas, almost without even noticing until we get old enough to consider … if it wasn’t like this, how would I want it to be?

This isn’t a blog post about answers but about questions. Exploring those questions has led me to several right actions that work when I apply them. However, if the level of consciousness to embrace them is not in me, nothing works because I AM in the reality my consciousness is willing to sustain. That’s the b*&#h of it.

Right actions that help when I’m ready to let them include releasing judgment, releasing expectation, releasing fear, releasing any kind of energetic push toward anything at all that isn’t flowing with grace and ease. Sometimes, that means sitting perfectly still and having no idea what the next step is or how to find it.

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