Why Did I Self-Sabotage?
Let go and Let God?
by Neva J. Howell unless otherwise noted
Why I’ve Been My Own Worst Enemy
With the helpful and playful witness of Susan Grace, I finally got hold of why I have perpetuated this pattern of what I have called self-sabotage. By the way, if you are experiencing the edge of a breakthrough, I can recommend a session with Susan most highly.
The day unfolded this way:
I went for an audition. The audition was FUN!!!!! Read with one of my favorite readers for a funny little role and was on my merry way home. I saw the gas tank was on empty. I ignored it. I ran out of gas and sat on the side of the road for an hour and a half. As I sat there, I was resentful and angry at myself. I was judging myself harshly for once again letting something so preventable happen. I called Susan and she answered, which was a blessing.
As we played with what was going on, me venting and her witnessing, I got hold of a piece of truth that had been evading me. Once I let go of resenting myself and being angry at myself and judging myself and once I surrendered into the “isness” of the moment rather than resisting it, the inevitable window of stillness opened to this:
Because I know that I am more than the body, that we all are more than the physical body, I have fetl limited and restricted in the human form. I have unconsciously resisted fully embracing being human.
I perpetuated this pattern of what I’ve called self-sabotage because I didn’t like the third dimension. I didn’t like the rules. I didn’t like the restrictions of having a human body. I didn’t like that aspect of agreeing to be in form on the earth as a 3-d being. And in a slick trick of a sharp mind, I didn’t see this as incongruous either. I thought the whole idea was to operate from the formless, EVEN THOUGH I also knew we were to embody Light in the form.
This is quite huge for me, in terms of both my physical health and my spiritual health. If I’ve been resisting being in form, no wonder the world of form has resisted being open to me. I can see this on financial levels most of all because that is a more tangible 3-d reality than emotional or spiritual matters.
I got it on a deep level that the call to “be here now” and to be “fully present in each moment” also carried with it the call to embody the body, embrace the form, fully inhabit being human. I’m not leaving the body behind as I enjoy the 4th, 5th and other dimensions … I am taking the body along for the ride. It will be a different kind of body, but that’s for another post.
I got it. And what I absolutely love about the universe is how it brings confirmation so quickly these days.
The fella that came with my gas was a shining, and I do mean SHINING, example of someone who embraces form. He had just gotten through pulling a car out of a ditch for someone and was covered head to toe with mud … and grinning … and playing fun music which he turned down when I came over for the filling out of paperwork. As I filled out the forms, guess which song came on? I started be-bopping and this guy looked over at me, surprised. I said “I love that song.” He said “Well, then,” and cranked it up.
I get it.