That Hopeless, Helpless Feeling

When it all seems hopeless
Let go and Let God?

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by Neva J. Howell unless otherwise noted

In the Valley of the Shadow

I’ll warn you now… I’m struggling.

In fact, this morning I woke with the idea that I might be better off just to go ahead and become homeless in reality. The only thing keeping me from that is the kindness of friends and family.

What if I just started camping out in a Walmart parking lot? What if I utterly and completely stopped trying to find a way to make income doing what sustains me on spiritual and creative levels and also stopped trying to get a 9 to 5 job I despised to pay rent for a roof over my head? What if I gave up, gave in, let go, stopped it all.

Mutterings of a madwoman, surely. It was 28 degrees last night. Would I feel it wise to have chucked it all yesterday and to walk out of comfort into the raw world of no money and no place to be? While I was freezing in my car, would it have felt like the right move, the high ground?

The stark reality of who I AM is that I find it unbearable to consider working a job I despise. I find it equally unbearable to be in freezing weather with no comforts of home. Rock, hard place, me in the middle.

What to do? How to live in this world? I don’t know. I know that I have a passion inside, for a certain way of living that I don’t see on the earth. I know I’m not alone in this. There are others like me somewhere, those who won’t do it. Those who won’t tie themselves to a “job” to feel secure from one week to the next. How do we live, those of us who demand living during work hours and not just at night and on weekends?

There has to be a new way to experience this reality. There has to be a new way that embraces the creative expression of each soul and welcomes the unique gifts of each person into a gridline of support that nourishes us all and grows the world in a beautiful and blessed way.