What am I doing with this life?
Massive Fields of Poppies
Content, copyright, Neva J. Howell
I woke this morning feeling some of the old “what am I doing with my life” energy. You know, the old spiritual question “What is my purpose?”
However, if I look back on a life where I spent a great deal of time feeling soooo responsible for using this precious life well, for finding and fulfilling some soul purpose that would mean I had done what I came to earth to do, I see that my over-attention to that pursuit didn’t bring any more of a sense of “doing the right thing” than my current mode of living is doing.
What is my current mode of living? So simple as to be almost nothing. I don’t plan, I don’t seek a “BIG PURPOSE” to define my life, I don’t ask if I’m fulfilling my purpose anymore. I’m alive so I must be
Those decades of feverish personal inquiry, monitoring and evaluation didn’t really ease me or I AM, or infuse a consistent joy into my being. That way of living also did not allow the consistent sharing of the highest vibration of love and joy, though I intermittently transmitted both.
Life used to look like something so massively complex and unendingly unfolding that I could not “see” the proper, correct, appropriate choice to make. Therein was the soul issue, I suppose….trying to see the whole rather than experience the moment.
Life appeared to bloom unendingly into more than I could comprehend. Sort of like walking into a massive field of red poppies, as far as the eyes can see and well beyond, and trying to find the poppy you should pluck up, find the purpose among countless potential paths. It seemed the vision always overwhelmed and, since I could never see the end of the poppy field, I always wondered what is beyond my vision?
What am I doing with this life? For at least a decade of linear time, I’ve been gradually shifting to some new way of living, sharing and receiving.
Rather than attempting to see an entire field of poppies, I started focusing on one stamen or the vein in one petal. If all the great teachers are right, the whole is in each part so it felt more gentle to the I AM that I was than striving to understand the entire field of poppies, especially since it was certain there were more poppies than I could ever see.
I finally wrote the person with whom I first spoke about the seasonal staff position at Omega, letting her know once more that I want to come back, if the right position opens up. She seemed quite open to my coming back, which was a relief, and even asked which positions I felt would be the best match for my gifts and way of being. I still feel very close to that Omega experience and miss so much about it. Perhaps it might come back around for me.
I joined a WWOOF site (organic farms) and help exchange site. I’ve been in contact with many intentional communities and have interest in the new tiny house communities now springing up. I continue to explore spiritual retreats, ashrams, intentional community, etc. as an avenue of sharing, enjoying life at a new level and experiencing community. What has changed is that I’m exploring to explore. I don’t know if I’ll go here or there, do this or that. I just am enjoying seeing more of the poppies in the field.
What is my purpose?
In a nutshell, aware participation.
I choose to remind myself of that truth when it looks like I should be doing more or doing something different. I want to remind myself that it never really mattered what I did while I was here; it mattered who I was. Whatever is going on externally, I know my real soul purpose is to participate with life, as authentically as I am able to participate.